Is my spouse trying to get a divorce? – Chicago Tribune

Dear Amy: My wife of 27 years recently told me that she is no longer interested in intimacy or sex.

We have a poor track record in this regard, especially while raising our four children (three adults and a teenage girl).

My partner told me that I couldn’t initiate or suggest having sex with him and that the only way that would happen would be if he decided to initiate. He hasn’t done this in over a decade, so I have no hope.

Of course, I told him that it wasn’t fair to dictate terms that would actually last for perhaps the next 20 to 30 years of my life.

He said any cheating would be grounds for divorce, so I guess he’s pushing me to divorce him, making me the bad guy among the kids and extended family (he thinks I won’t reveal this to them).

So what do I do now?

– Rejected

Dear Rejected Ones: After years of dysfunction, your marriage has come to an end. The main issue dividing the two of you may be your sex life, but I assume your wife’s lack of affection and current bargaining chip are representative of other problems in the marriage. You sound angry, you’re (understandably) very hurt.

A “no-fault” divorce means that couples do not need to provide specific reasons for separating. If your relationship is irreversibly damaged, “irreconcilable differences” is an accurate description. You should educate yourself on the legal ways to get a divorce in your state.

If you’re at the point where you believe the two of you are trying to outdo each other in breaking up, counseling can offer you a way to negotiate a more peaceful and honest separation. If she won’t see a therapist with you, you should go on your own.

You were not invited to have sex. You should start counseling.

If you two break up, it seems to me that you could be portrayed as the “bad guy” regardless of the actual circumstances.

You should consider whether you want to be a slave to your wife’s anger.

Dear Amy: I am a retired woman who lives alone. I inherited a box of very old photographs, over 100 years old.

At the bottom of the box I found a dozen small, nicely framed “adult” photographs.

While I’m sure these were hardcore for their time, they’re pretty tame by modern standards, featuring partial nudity, laceless bodices, and rolled up stockings.

The most seductive photo is a photo of a bride receiving a romantic kiss on her wedding night.

These beautiful images immediately caught my attention and I grouped them to display in my bedroom, a very special room in my home. (I am a retired woman living alone.)

As soon as my sister saw them, she started insisting that I remove them because “people will think you’re gay or some kind of pervert.”

I pointed out that everyone in my bedroom knew me well enough to know my truth and who cared what anyone else thought.

My sister and now a few of her friends are outraged by my “pornographic display”.

Can you help me find a comment to stop further discussion?

– Love of art

Dear Art Lover: This looks like a wonderful and unique collection to display in your bedroom.

When responding to comments or criticisms from the various bidders in your life, you may raise your eyebrow and say, “Yeah, you’re right. I was hiding you. My secret has been revealed. I am actually gay and have a particular interest in Victorian bedroom beauties. I had a dream about Virginia Woolf last night. We were ballroom dancing on the Titanic.”

In short – have it; Don’t explain or apologize.

And perverted? If you had a copy of the Venus di Milo or Michelangelo’s “David” in your bedroom, would your sister be outraged by the scandal? Would anyone looking at Rodin’s painting “The Kiss” surprise him? Maybe. But that’s his problem. Don’t make it your own.

Dear Amy: The “superstitious” one was wondering what to do with the unlucky wedding ring from her previous marriage. He should melt it down and donate the proceeds to a charity he loves. – Helpful

Dear Philanthropist: This is an option worth exploring (many readers have suggested it), but the process may cost more than the value of the gold in the ring.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or write to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or on Facebook.)