When planning your future, you should look at your past – Chicago Tribune

Dear Amy: I have a very good friend named “Carl” who recently started dating a guy named “Samuel.” Samuel treats me coldly and seems threatened by my long-standing close friendship with Carl.

I mentioned this to Carl, who was nonchalant about it.

Carl had a big birthday recently, and when I asked him if he was doing anything special, he said he was going to celebrate it out of town with his family.

I had no plans on birthday night, so I went to a restaurant (alone) to have dinner at the bar, where I made friends with the bartender.

Imagine my surprise when Carl, Samuel, and a few others showed up for Carl’s birthday dinner.

It was a strange coincidence and I was very hurt that I wasn’t invited and was lied to. Carl apologized for lying, told me that Samuel had prepared the guest list and that we should chat soon.

I didn’t have much to say since I was still working on it.

They were seated in a private room away from the bar area. I had already ordered and was waiting for my food when Samuel came out of the room, approached me and told me that my presence in the restaurant was disturbing Carl and ruining his birthday dinner.

When I told him that I had already ordered and was planning to eat my dinner, Samuel told me that I was selfish, which made me feel even worse.

I feel like I’ve been put in an untenable situation and I’m reconsidering my friendship with Carl. But was I selfish and had to leave?

I’m trying to make sense of this.

– Wounded and Confused

Dear Hurt: When “Samuel” approached the bar to insult you (since you were minding your own business), you could have said that if being in another room of a public restaurant was so taxing for him and the band, then maybe it could be their party. should leave.

Given that “Carl” deals with this social awkwardness by admitting it, apologizing, and blaming Samuel for excluding you, I suggest you take him at his word and not end the friendship, but “pause.”

Carl is clearly letting his current boyfriend control the close friendship he and you share; If Samuel is isolating Carl from other people in his friendship and family circle (besides you), that’s a worrying sign that their relationship is not only lopsided but possibly abusive.

Don’t cut off the friendship completely. Do your best to stay open to Carl; He may need you in the future.

Dear Amy: I have lived with “Sharon” for more than five years. Our romantic relationship has had its ups and downs (like everyone else, I guess) but a recent event has me considering breaking up with him.

Sharon’s work history is quite erratic, and I was ready and willing to support our household when she was between jobs.

We don’t “keep score” on our finances, but there’s no question that I was the primary support by not only paying our rent, but also paying the car payment during the few months when he was very lean.

Honestly, I was proud to be able to help.

Sharon always expressed her gratitude for this and often offered to “pay me back” at some point in the future. I always tell him not to worry about it.

Recently, Sharon learned that she inherited almost $10,000 after her great-aunt’s death. She was dizzy talking about all the things she would spend the money on. Not a single word about compensating me or using any of this money to support our household.

This feels like the last straw and I’m looking for some internal control.

– In red

Dear Red: When planning your future, you should look at your past.

You and “Sharon” have created a pattern.

If you want more of the same, you should stay in the relationship, but it sounds like you believe you deserve something better, and I agree.

Dear Amy: My “depressed (but not depressed!) daughter” was wondering how to explain her dying father’s condition to anyone who asked.

A man in our community had ALS and his wife told me what I thought was the best answer.

He always replied: “He’s doing as good a job as can be expected of him.”

This phrase works in many situations.

–Terry

Dear Terry: This statement seems both incomprehensible and polite.

(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or write to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or on Facebook.)